Dave Thorp's Blog

Given the rarity of posts to this blog recently, something needs to be done. So time to resurrect monthly feature where we take a look at our 5 aims for the blog each month, and resident mystic Nostradamus makes some frighteningly accurate predictions for the month ahead. A feature that is in no way a rip off of two features that were on the programme affectionately known as TMWRNJ during the late 90s

So here are our aims for February/March

Aim One

Aim one is to utilise Gordon Brown’s new interest in fisticuffs by settling the UK general election battle between him and David Cameron in the only way possible………. FIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHT!!!

Aim Two

Aim two is to transfer strangely popular (even though its crap but so crap it’s good) gameshow Take Me Out to channel 5 changing the format of the show so each week it features an annoying celebrity who is then “taken out” by members of the public using a vast array of semi-automatic weaponry

Aim Three

Aim three is to take photo’s of all the snow Britain has had this year, post them to anyone going on about how burning fuels creates greenhouse gases and global warming with a caption saying “look how wrong you are”.

Aim Four

Aim four is to punish Ashley Cole for once again making the frankly ludicrous decision to cheat on his wife when his wife is as hot as Cheryl Cole, oddly enough since she is Cheryl Cole, by inviting him to take part in the C5 version of “Take Me Out”, whilst leading him to believe it’s actually the ITV version

Aim Five

Aim five is to solve the big freeze by recycling. Simply take any of the photographs from aim 3 that are left over and then set fire to them providing warmth, and much needed greenhouse gases if the global warming activists are to be believed

He’s been hibernating for the winter but he’s back with his stunningly accurate predictions all in the name of netting him the very special prize should he manage to get two out of three right…. his very own barbecue. So here are his predictions for February/March

Prediction One

Alexander Thorp will receive an invisible card and present from a certain member of his family for his birthday for the third year running

Prediction Two

Ashley Cole will be executed for his crime of cheating on the “nation’s sweetheart”

Prediction Three

Rian from ITV’s “Take Me Out” will be given her own diet series

Time once again to check on our aims

Aim One

Aim one is to take the opportunity to remind people that it is not Christmas. It’s effing August. There is still a full four and a half months until the ghastly fabrication of Christians and the greeting card industry

Aim Two

Aim two is solve the issue of microsoft being unable to bundle internet explorer in the european release of windows 7 by forcing them to bundle firefox, a vastly superior browser

Aim Three

Aim three is to insist that the organisers of Rock in the Park get another hot female singer to perform now Pixie Lott has pulled out. Ideally a naked hot female singer!

Aim Four

Aim four is to insist that the Deal or No Deal producers show episodes with hot women in rather than old biddies for their classic show specials this month

Aim Five

Aim five is to cheer on England who may well win back the Ashes this series looking at the current form. Or at least force a draw if it dont stop bloody raining

Time to check on last months predictions and see if Nosty has got just two out of three right to win the coveted barbecue

Prediction one was “The temperature in the UK will drop below freezing point at some point this month”……. whilst its not been as blisteringly hot as it was in June it’s certainly not been freezing

Prediction two was “Andy Murray will win the men’s singles at Wimbledon”…. and I’m afraid Andy seems to be suffering from Tim Henman syndrome, a rare condition that prevents people from getting past the semi finals in wimbledon.

Prediction three was “The live feed will be restored to big brother just in time for Sophie and Karly lezzing up (I can dream)”….. it was a long shot and now Karly has been evicted and is appearing in mens magazines available in a shop near you it seems even more unlikely

So a duck for Nostradamus means no barbecue this month but lets take a look at next months predictions. Two out of three wins a nice shiny barbecue

Prediction One

England will win the ashes

Prediction Two

Scientists will discover that bacon sandwiches do indeed cure swine flu leaving vegetarians to die from what is essentially just a sniffle

Prediction Three

There will be no pain or suffering in the world

A touch late but I suppose we better check on our aims

Aim One

Aim one is to take a leaf out of Gordon Brown’s book and every time someone tells me “your failing” or “the government is crumbling around you” just stick my fingers in my ears and go “la la la la la I am not listening”

Aim Two

Aim to is to solve the immense heat we are having at the moment by emigrating to the north pole

Aim Three

Aim three is to improve ITV game show “The Chase” by having a pack of savage dogs, and then releasing them every time the smug git of a chaser gets a question wrong and the relish in the fact that he stands no chance of escaping from the hounds!

Aim Four

Aim four is to take all the people making jokes at Michael Jackson’s expense, melt them down and turn them into children’s toys and see how they like it!

Aim Five

Aim five is to make it compulsory that only one celebrity is allowed to die on any one specific day lest they risk being overshadowed by a much bigger celebrity dying!

Given the immense heat I’m sure Nostradamus would love his very own barbecue to cook a variety of undercooked snacks on. Although he may prefer a salad. Let’s see which option it is as we review last month’s predictions

Prediction one was “In a landslide victory, Labour will win every seat up for grabs in the elections”….. errr no Nosty it was quite the opposite… though not bad enough for Gordon Brown to resign… in Gordon Brown’s opinion… the rest of the country aren’t living in denial land!

Prediction two was “A bunch of normal people will be locked in a house together on TV and they will all get on and acomplish any task set of them without failure or argument”… the key word in that prediction (and the reason Nosty got it wrong) was NORMAL. Big Brother housemates are never normal!

Prediction three was “David Thorp will be the only member of the Thorp family to receive a fathers day card from a blood relative”…. and indeed he was. For some inexplicable reason other members didn’t deserve one. Couldn’t be anything to do with the fact they haven’t bothered about their Grandchildren for a year could it?

Here are next months predictions. Two out of three correct will win Nosty a nice shiny barbecue

Prediction One

The temperature in the UK will drop below freezing point at some point this month

Prediction Two

Andy Murray will win the men’s singles at Wimbledon

Prediction Three

The live feed will be restored to big brother just in time for Sophie and Karly lezzing up (I can dream)