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Mar 31 2009

April 2009 Aims

Posted by Dave in Aims, tags: , , , ,

Aims Time!

Aim One

Aim one is to use the miracles of modern genetic engineering to cross a 3 humped camel with a pink female orientated car insurance firm…. just to see what happens!

Aim Two

Aim two is to celebrate the axing of the Jeremy Kyle show by telling him to get off his arse and get a job!

Aim Three

Aim three is to finally find a use for the meerkat from the compare the meerkat adverts by having him highlight to the great british public the very very very very very many differences between Princess Diana and Jade Goody with the only similarity being they are both dead

Aim Four

Aim four is to be very very afraid at the amount of credit JD Williams have given me now

Aim Five

Aim five is to try and go just one month without having anything break down

Has resident mystic Nostradamus finally won a device that will enable him to undercook a variety of meat products generally known as a barbecue. Only time, and the next section of this post will tell!

Prediction one was Jade Goody will die this month…. and indeed yes she did, and she certainly made sure we all knew about it!

Prediction two was The daily mail will be offended by a one legged, two headed, five breasted childrens TV presenter. No one else will be though…. amazingly no the daily mail hasn’t been offended by much this month. And if anyone actually finds a creature like in Nosty’s prediction, send them this way!

The city of Cardiff will sink into the sea….. nope the people of Cardiff have not taken up swimming!

Here are next months predictions

Prediction One

Joining the rest of the nation in confusing Jade Goody with their mother, Princes William and Harry will be seen crying at Jade Goody’s funeral

Prediction Two

Stuart and Alexander Thorp will receive an invisible Easter Egg off one of their so called relatives this month

Prediction Three

The moon will fall out of orbit and crash into the Earth destroying all except one small ant

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Mar 02 2009

March 2009 Aims

Posted by Dave in Aims, tags: , , , ,

A tad late but lets check on our aims

Aim One

Aim one is to take a moment out to just reflect on the fact that a great TV personality who has made a great contribution to the entertainment of the UK is likely to die of cancer this month….. what’s that….. Wendy Richard died last month…. BUGGER!

Aim Two

Aim two is to solve all of this countries current problems by bringing back Nazi style gas chambers, installing them in the studio for the Jeremy Kyle Show and then feeling safe in the knowledge that not only have we eliminated a useless part of the UK population but we have also eliminated Kyle himself.

Aim Three

Aim Three  is to chop the arms off anyone still complaining about CBeebies presenter Cerrie Burnell and see how they like it

Aim Four

Aim four is to launch a new incredibly popular website called Meerkat in a blender and put the Meerkat from the compare the meerkat adverts into a blender live for the sites launch

Aim Five

Aim five is to avoid watching Comic Relief as the sight last week of Jo Brand dressed as Britney Spears from the Baby One More Time Video is enough to mentally scar anyone for life

Well it’s that time where we see just how many predictions Nosty got right and if he’ll be able to enjoy roasting his easter eggs on his very own barbecue. Just two out of three right is all he needs from last months predictions

Prediction one was David Thorp will receive an invisible bottle of Jack Daniels and Alexander Thorp will receive an invisible aeroplane from a member of their family for their birthdays….. and yep they did. What thoughtful gifts!

Prediction two was This site will generate no search hits for female Deal or No Deal contestants during the month of February…. and within a matter of hours nosty had got that wrong

Prediction three was The river of blood will boil and then the vampires will feed on the earth…. errrr WRONG!

So will he win next month? Do we even care? Well here are next months predictions anyway

Prediction One

Jade Goody will die this month

Prediction Two

The daily mail will be offended by a one legged, two headed, five breasted childrens TV presenter. No one else will be though

Prediction Three

The city of Cardiff will sink into the sea

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Feb 01 2009

February 2009 aims

Posted by Dave in Aims, tags: , , , ,

New month means new aims

Aim One

Aim one is to release full details of Steven Thorp’s previous affair with his friend’s wife on a public website should he not start being a better father or grandfather… and by better father or grandfather we mean to his real family… as in the ones related by blood… unfortunately

Aim Two

Aim two is to celebrate the election of America’s first black president by electing a black leader of the conservative party and then having the UK’s first black Prime Minister next year

Aim Three

Aim three is to work out what kind of drugs Cadbury’s must be putting in their chocolate for someone in their advertising department to come up with the idea of kids with twitching eyebrows

Aim Four

Aim four is to expose the complete and utter lie that is comparethemeerkat.com as not one single person is mixing that site up with comparethemarket.com

Aim Five

Aim five is to celebrate the return of Krypton Factor to TV by arrange for a large aircraft to crash on Ben Shepard’s head and the Krypton Factor Cube before asking where the hell is the response round?

Nosty might be losing his status as a totally accurate mystic. Let’s see if he has redeemed himself by getting two out of three of last months predictions correct

A major high street chain will go bust, into administration or otherwise close down… great start as both Land of Leather and Empire Direct go bust. Well not a great start for them of course but for Nostradamus

No one will consume Haggis, neeps or tatties on January 25th… wrong as lots of people did, particularly in Scotland!

I, Nostradamus, will once again fail to win the barbecue… why’s this one brown I hear you ask. Well when you mix red and green you get brown and as Nosty only got one right yes he did fail to win the barbecue…. which means he got two right and won the barbecue…. which means he only got one right and didn’t win it… which means we could be here all night until the barbecue has been destroyed by the time paradox Nostradamus has created

So no barbecue this month however here are next month’s predictions

Prediction One

David Thorp will receive an invisible bottle of Jack Daniels and Alexander Thorp will receive an invisible aeroplane from a member of their family for their birthdays

Prediction Two

This site will generate no search hits for female Deal or No Deal contestants during the month of February

Prediction Three

The river of blood will boil and then the vampires will feed on the earth

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