So here are our aims for February/March

Aim One

Aim one is to utilise Gordon Brown’s new interest in fisticuffs by settling the UK general election battle between him and David Cameron in the only way possible………. FIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHT!!!

Aim Two

Aim two is to transfer strangely popular (even though its crap but so crap it’s good) gameshow Take Me Out to channel 5 changing the format of the show so each week it features an annoying celebrity who is then “taken out” by members of the public using a vast array of semi-automatic weaponry

Aim Three

Aim three is to take photo’s of all the snow Britain has had this year, post them to anyone going on about how burning fuels creates greenhouse gases and global warming with a caption saying “look how wrong you are”.

Aim Four

Aim four is to punish Ashley Cole for once again making the frankly ludicrous decision to cheat on his wife when his wife is as hot as Cheryl Cole, oddly enough since she is Cheryl Cole, by inviting him to take part in the C5 version of “Take Me Out”, whilst leading him to believe it’s actually the ITV version

Aim Five

Aim five is to solve the big freeze by recycling. Simply take any of the photographs from aim 3 that are left over and then set fire to them providing warmth, and much needed greenhouse gases if the global warming activists are to be believed

He’s been hibernating for the winter but he’s back with his stunningly accurate predictions all in the name of netting him the very special prize should he manage to get two out of three right…. his very own barbecue. So here are his predictions for February/March

Prediction One

Alexander Thorp will receive an invisible card and present from a certain member of his family for his birthday for the third year running

Prediction Two

Ashley Cole will be executed for his crime of cheating on the “nation’s sweetheart”

Prediction Three

Rian from ITV’s “Take Me Out” will be given her own diet series

1. This has been done before – Yes I’m aware that Tracy and Jon Morter did exactly this at Christmas. However their campaign raised £100k for the homeless which is a very good cause

2. It’s wrong to take on a charity single – If the RATM4XMAS campaign taught us anything it’s that the single the campaign was opposing still sold and it still sold well. Furthermore as a donations page has been set up by me for this campaign, providing it takes off, more money will be raised for charity than if this campaign didn’t exist. I will also hopefully as long as it doesn’t violate the terms of any affiliate programmes I am on be posting a number of affiliate links to download the song and donating the revenue to the cause.

3. You have no hope of succeeding – probably not, whilst RATM4XMAS did succeed, that had weeks to prepare. We have days! But even if the campaign becomes even a fraction as successful as the last one it will still help a good cause

The facebook group can be found HERE and the just giving page for donations HERE

So onto the product itself, dubbed by Apple as a revolutionary and magical device, named the iPad (and opening up to a large number of iTampon jokes that actually managed to trend on twitter above anything actually to do with the device or Apple). Ok I haven’t had one in my hands yet but to me it seems that what Apple have done isn’t revolutionary or magical. Indeed this device has been around for nearly three years already and is called the iPod Touch. Because what Apple have done is taken their existing iPod Touch, blown it up to 4 times the size, put a faster chip in it and created some word processing, spreadsheet and presentation software for it.

A lot of people are slating the device because it cant multitask, much like the iPhone and the iPod Touch. Personally, I cant see the appeal of multitasking on a device like this. On my PC currently which can support multitasking, I have the following open

1. Thunderbird – as the mail app on iPad can be set to poll automatically or even push if supported, there is no need to keep mail open on the iPad
2. iTunes – the iPhone will continue playing music even if you exit the iPod app. As the iPad is based on the same OS as the iPhone/Ipod Touch there is no reason this wont still be the case. And I have iTunes open but aren’t even listening to music so no idea why its open
3. Firefox with 12 tabs open – Safari supports multiple tabs on the iPhone so presumably will on the iPad. Of the 12 tabs open half of them don’t need to be, I just haven’t bothered closing them yet
4. Sticky Notes – Fair enough the iPad wont support notes on the desktop BUT of the sticky notes I have the majority of them serve no purpose anyway and there’s no reason they cant be hidden away in an app

The price of the device whilst looking reasonable is unlikely to translate well to the UK as is the normal case with Apple devices. For example based on the US price, the iPod Touch 64GB retails for $399. This should translate to a UK price of £246 but it actually costs £60 more than that.

Based on the US prices, the UK prices of the iPad should be

We’ll see how well that translates over into UK apple money. As for if I’ll be buying one, I can see this device replacing my netbook which as Steve Jobs pointed out is slow and not better than anything BUT that will depend on if

1. The price translates over to the UK well
2. If the Wifi only model will support tethering to the iPhone, something which strangely never got mentioned at the keynote last night

The iPad, whilst being a large iPod touch, probably isn’t too bad a device. I’m just disappointed there was nothing else announced like a new iPhone (though this could be because I was hoping for new iPhone as I have an upgrade due next month)

Oh and anyone buying this as an ebook reader who doesn’t live in the US may want to check the small print at the bottom of THIS PAGE

Now the following is a variety of reasons why I wont be taking up this deal

1. My satellite equipment was for the most part completely replaced when we had skyHD installed in October this year so is still under warranty
2. Even when the warranty runs out there are still three main options should a fault develop. Firstly sky charge a standard £65 call out fee (and yes that is £65 and not £72) for any out of warranty faults. Secondly sky generally waive this if you threaten to cancel due to the fault. Thirdly even without the warranty you still have rights under the sales of goods act in the event of a fault
3. The company in question has had 2 adjudications against them by the advertising standards authority here and here for similar marketing material but seems to have disregarded much of the adjudications against them
4. This company, and/or others like them, have been the subject of consumer reports in particular BBC Watchdog (before it became pants) and the like
5. I am registered with the mailing preference service so shouldn’t be receiving any unsolicited direct mailings

So dear reader, what have I done about this mailing and what can you do if you receive a similar one? Well the solutions are threefold

Complain to the MPS

You can only do this if you are registered with the MPS. Details on how to complain to them are on the MPS site.

Complain to the ASA

The advertising standards authority deals with complaints from the general public and other companies about a variety of advertising along various media (TV, radio, newspapers, magazines, direct mailings, text messages etc etc). Advertisers have to adhere to a strict code of practice governing the advertisements and the ASA investigates any breaches of this practice. The letter from DSWC ltd breaches several requirements under this code and as mentioned above they have been in trouble with the ASA before for breaching the code but have done little to change their marketing.

I submitted the following complaint using the online form

I am complaining about the advert on the following grounds.

1 – I am registered with the mailing preference service and should not be receiving any direct marketing mailings without my consent.

2 – I believe the claim “If you require a service call and your sky digital system is not under warranty, you will now be charged a minimum call out fee of £72″ is misleading as

a) I understand the maximum call out fee sky will charge is £65
b) In spite of the expiration of the warranty, any faults with my digital satellite system would also be covered under the Sales of Goods Act which offers up to 6 years protection and
c) I understand that sky will often waive the £65 call out fee in order to retain customers who threaten to cancel their service if a fault develops

3. I question how the mailer obtained my details as I am registered with the MPS but am also ex directory and am omitted from the edited register of voters in order to protect my privacy

4. I question how the mailer knew I was a digital satellite subscriber

5. I question whether the statement “IMPORTANT NOTICE REQUIRING URGENT ATTENTION” in red at the top of the mailing, exaggerates the importance of the mailing and goes against the adjudication made on 28th November 2007 by the ASA regarding a similar statement at the top of a similar mailing from the same advertiser

6. I question whether the advertiser has also breached the adjudication made by the ASA on 21st October 2009 as the advertiser is still sending unsolicited mail following that adjudication.

7. I challenge whether the mailings are properly targeted following the adjudication on 28th November 2007 or if a further breach of this adjudication has occurred.

8. I challenge whether the claim “NO MORE FREE CALL OUTS” is misleading as

a) I understand the equipment is still covered under the sales of goods act which would result in a free repair and call out
b) I understand sky frequently waive the call out fee when a subscriber threatens to cancel the service due to a fault

9. I question whether the statement “YOUR DIGITAL SATELLITE SYSTEM WARRANTY IS DUE TO EXPIRE” is misleading and whether the mailshot has been properly targetted as the vast majority of my digital satellite system was replaced on 13th October 2009 when I upgraded to skyHD. Notably the dish, LNB, vast majority of the wiring was replaced as well as a new box being provided and new wiring to rehome my existing boxes. As such a new 12 month warranty would apply to this system from this date and would not expire until 13th October 2010 which is some time away and not “due to expire”

Get Legal On Their Asses

It should be very simple to get this company off your back. In order to prevent marketing from a company you just need to serve them a notice under section 11 of the data protection act. The notice doesn’t need to be anything fancy or in a prescribed legal form. Simply stating

Take note I hereby serve you a notice pursuant to section 11 of the data protection act to cease processing any and all of my confidential data for the purpose of marketing. You have 21 days to comply with this request

will do the trick. While you are at it you may want to throw section 10 of the data protection act in as well which covers the processing of data likely to cause damage or distress, and receiving junk mail is distressing right? If the company fail to comply with this notice and you still receive junk mail you can file an N1 form with the county court seeking an order enforcing the data protection requests. This will cost in the region of £30 but is free on many benefits or low incomes and would be recoverable from the other side anyway.

Dont want to fork out for stamps to mail Digital Satellite Warranty Cover ltd. Well don’t worry, they provide a very handy freepost envelope just for this purpose…. well ok its for sending the application form for the warranty back but we wont be doing that so may as well use it.

Whilst you are at it, since they like junk mail so much, here is their freepost address should you need to mail them for any reason. I am in no way suggesting sending them lots of mail which would cost them lots of money and may make them think twice about sending unsolicited junk mail to people. If you are interpreting this paragraph as saying that, that’s down to you

FREEPOST RRHK-EUUZ-EKHC

Unit 5

Capitol Trading Park

Kirkby Bank Road

Knowsley Industrial Park

LIVERPOOL

L33 7SY

Enjoy!

So now the point has been made what now? You would expect that Simon would see sense and decide that he cant compete with the public and make the winners song release outside of the Christmas chart race. Because I can guarantee we will be even bigger next year, especially now people know it can be done. The facebook group had close to 1 million members, only half of which actually bought the single the other half probably either only joining the group because all their facebook friends invited them or didn’t buy because they didn’t think we had a chance.

In all seriousness and without involving any mind control from Derren Brown, the X-Factor is missing a trick that would allow them to maintain dominance of the charts while leaving Christmas well alone. When they get down to say the final 6 contestants, record and release a song from each finalist and then scrap the phone vote and let downloads decide who gets eliminated each week.

Simon Cowell makes more money as he gets six songs in the charts all selling in their thousands for a space of 4 weeks. There’s no need to release a winners song as the revenue from these downloads over the course of 4 weeks or so should keep Simon in impossibly high trousers for another year and more importantly, the Christmas Chart can get back to what its meant to be about (and what Simon claimed to be saving us from), Christmas Songs, Novelty Records and Sir Cliff!

But there are much simpler ways they can save money. The X-Factor is known to cost them a small fortune which they make back from selling advertising revenue to any stores selling very high pairs of trousers. However, a quick look at the main goals of the show suggest a much cheaper way to achieve the same results. And here it is.

July 2010 – Hire psychological illusionist Derren Brown to film a two hour segment during which he programmes the nation to buy a song of his choosing during the week before Christmas when triggered by a word of Derren’s choosing (sheep would probably be appropriate) and to call a premium rate phone number 10 times during each showing of the segment. For arguements sake make this song a cover of the classic Christmas hit “Mr Blobby” however any other song would do

September 2010 – Start showing the pre-recorded segment every week on a Saturday Night on ITV1 and on ITV2 at any time they would normally show the X-Factor or a related spin off show

December 2010 – Go out into the streets, pick any 16-20 year old at random, drag them into a recording studio and make them record their own cover version of the classic song chosen earlier. Edit the recording so it makes it sound like the person selected can actually sing

Week before Xmas 2010 – Cut the telephone wires of any individual who is a member of a facebook group organising resistance to the X-Factor single to stop them going online and buying the protest song. Send all members of that group a package containing swine flu to prevent them going to HMV to buy it either. Release their single, get Derren Brown to issue whatever the trigger word is and behold as exactly the same result is achieved as has been in 2005-2008 (and possibly 2009), at a fraction of the cost meaning Simon can afford another 100 pairs of impossibly high trousers

In the words of another annoying individual who should be shot for crimes against humanity…… SIMPLES!

Anyone wanting to but the lovely protest single by Rage Against the Machine can do so on one of the following links

HMV

And in the interest of fair play anyone who wants the X-Factor winners single can obtain it HERE

Killing in the Name by Rage Against The Machine is this years protest song. The organisers of the facebook group are also raising money for shelter and some affiliate providers are also donating the affiliate revenue to shelter. So not only can you feel good at socking it to Simon Cowell but you can also feel good because you are actually helping some homeless people rather than walking straight past all the beggars and big issue sellers like you normally do all the rest of the year.

So go buy it. And here are some links to help you

HMV

nb I’ve updated the amazon link with the cheaper version now as it has been confirmed by the organisers of the campaign that sales of this download will count towards the chart despite the price being below the 40p limit set by the official charts company. This could be because amazon are making this track, and the x-factor track a loss leader meaning they are paying the music companies enough to warrant inclusion but actually making a loss on the track in hope that visitors to the site will buy other tracks or other items that would make amazon a profit. Tesco also have the x-factor single at 29p so it’s assumed this will also count (unfortunately)

Because what Simon Cowell has done, and it’s a fantastically brilliant plan, has spent the last three months subliminally programming the more susceptible members of the Great British Public who watch his show, into throwing away any sense of musical taste they still had and made them buy a single, not because it’s any good but because he’s programmed them to so he can rake in much more cash and buy himself a nice new pair of very high, gold lined trousers.

Nice one Britain. Good to know that most of the public are sheep under Simons control. Hell if next year he subliminally programmed you to walk off a cliff you probably would.

Thankfully as per usual there is a workaround. Now normally this involves removing the beta element from the browser identity string so the browser identifies as the release version even though it isn’t out yet. Not this time though as Natwest refuse to acknowledge that a new version of firefox is coming…. there’s good web design, design your site so it breaks with every single browser release. So rather than telling a little white lie to the website we are going to have to tell a bare faced porky.

Crack open about:config ignoring any warnings about dragons as there is no such thing as dragons and even if there were Gandalf the master wizard will protect you. In the resultant screen search for the string “general.useragent.extra.firefox” and change the text from “Firefox/3.6b2″ to “Firefox/3.5.5″ and then stick two fingers up at what is the most stupid and pointless browser detection system known to man….. oh and the internet banking site will work once again too!

Next time we wont bother!