Time once again to check on our aims

Aim One

Aim one is to take the opportunity to remind people that it is not Christmas. It’s effing August. There is still a full four and a half months until the ghastly fabrication of Christians and the greeting card industry

Aim Two

Aim two is solve the issue of microsoft being unable to bundle internet explorer in the european release of windows 7 by forcing them to bundle firefox, a vastly superior browser

Aim Three

Aim three is to insist that the organisers of Rock in the Park get another hot female singer to perform now Pixie Lott has pulled out. Ideally a naked hot female singer!

Aim Four

Aim four is to insist that the Deal or No Deal producers show episodes with hot women in rather than old biddies for their classic show specials this month

Aim Five

Aim five is to cheer on England who may well win back the Ashes this series looking at the current form. Or at least force a draw if it dont stop bloody raining

Time to check on last months predictions and see if Nosty has got just two out of three right to win the coveted barbecue

Prediction one was “The temperature in the UK will drop below freezing point at some point this month”……. whilst its not been as blisteringly hot as it was in June it’s certainly not been freezing

Prediction two was “Andy Murray will win the men’s singles at Wimbledon”…. and I’m afraid Andy seems to be suffering from Tim Henman syndrome, a rare condition that prevents people from getting past the semi finals in wimbledon.

Prediction three was “The live feed will be restored to big brother just in time for Sophie and Karly lezzing up (I can dream)”….. it was a long shot and now Karly has been evicted and is appearing in mens magazines available in a shop near you it seems even more unlikely

So a duck for Nostradamus means no barbecue this month but lets take a look at next months predictions. Two out of three wins a nice shiny barbecue

Prediction One

England will win the ashes

Prediction Two

Scientists will discover that bacon sandwiches do indeed cure swine flu leaving vegetarians to die from what is essentially just a sniffle

Prediction Three

There will be no pain or suffering in the world

A touch late but I suppose we better check on our aims

Aim One

Aim one is to take a leaf out of Gordon Brown’s book and every time someone tells me “your failing” or “the government is crumbling around you” just stick my fingers in my ears and go “la la la la la I am not listening”

Aim Two

Aim to is to solve the immense heat we are having at the moment by emigrating to the north pole

Aim Three

Aim three is to improve ITV game show “The Chase” by having a pack of savage dogs, and then releasing them every time the smug git of a chaser gets a question wrong and the relish in the fact that he stands no chance of escaping from the hounds!

Aim Four

Aim four is to take all the people making jokes at Michael Jackson’s expense, melt them down and turn them into children’s toys and see how they like it!

Aim Five

Aim five is to make it compulsory that only one celebrity is allowed to die on any one specific day lest they risk being overshadowed by a much bigger celebrity dying!

Given the immense heat I’m sure Nostradamus would love his very own barbecue to cook a variety of undercooked snacks on. Although he may prefer a salad. Let’s see which option it is as we review last month’s predictions

Prediction one was “In a landslide victory, Labour will win every seat up for grabs in the elections”….. errr no Nosty it was quite the opposite… though not bad enough for Gordon Brown to resign… in Gordon Brown’s opinion… the rest of the country aren’t living in denial land!

Prediction two was “A bunch of normal people will be locked in a house together on TV and they will all get on and acomplish any task set of them without failure or argument”… the key word in that prediction (and the reason Nosty got it wrong) was NORMAL. Big Brother housemates are never normal!

Prediction three was “David Thorp will be the only member of the Thorp family to receive a fathers day card from a blood relative”…. and indeed he was. For some inexplicable reason other members didn’t deserve one. Couldn’t be anything to do with the fact they haven’t bothered about their Grandchildren for a year could it?

Here are next months predictions. Two out of three correct will win Nosty a nice shiny barbecue

Prediction One

The temperature in the UK will drop below freezing point at some point this month

Prediction Two

Andy Murray will win the men’s singles at Wimbledon

Prediction Three

The live feed will be restored to big brother just in time for Sophie and Karly lezzing up (I can dream)

Time once again to check on our aims

Aim One

Aim one is to see if any shops do Father’s dad card for crappy absent fathers who care about no one but themselves after all that’s why they haven’t bothered about either of their grandchildren for the best part of a year (well one of them more or less since birth). Actually sod it why waste my time and money!

Aim Two

Aim two is to accept bribes from any of the political parties to vote for them in the forthcoming elections. After all they’ll be able to add it to their expenses wont they?

Aim Three

Aim three is to solve the extreme heatwave we are having at the moment by moving into the freezer

Aim Four

Aim four is to round up a bunch of freaks and lock them into the confines of a very small house…. wait it seems like channel 4 will be taking care of that one for us

Aim Five

Aim five is to commemorate the axing of Gladiators by sky one by making it clear that Inferno, Enigma, Tempest and Siren are welcome round here any time if they are short on things to do now

Well we had a barbecue on Saturday. Might as well get some use out of it as Nostradamus seems intent on not winning it. Lets see how he did this month

Prediction one was “Star wars and the lord of rings will both be released on Blu Ray”………. Nah they’ve not done that… perhaps they are worried they wont sell

Prediction two was “Alistair Darling will dress up as Robin Hood and Gordon Brown will dress up as Maid Marion for a fancy dress party”….. nope though if they had have done they could have put the costume hire on their expenses

Prediction three was “Page 3 idol will be won by an ugly 50 year old covered in tattoos”…….. I’m pleased to say the judges eliminated anyone who shouldn’t have bothered to enter from the competition pretty early on and whilst the winner is yet to be announced, if there is any justice in the world it will be won by the gorgeous India from Reading who is the sexiest thing since Keeley Hazell to come out of that competition

So a duck for Nosty means he wont be enjoying a barbecue in this sweltering heat. But maybe next month…..

Prediction One

In a landslide victory, Labour will win every seat up for grabs in the elections

Prediction Two

A bunch of normal people will be locked in a house together on TV and they will all get on and acomplish any task set of them without failure or argument

Prediction Three

David Thorp will be the only member of the Thorp family to receive a fathers day card from a blood relative

Stewards Enquiry

A stewards enquiry has had to be called with regards Nostradamus’ predictions for last month, in particular prediction three which read “Page 3 idol will be won by an ugly 50 year old covered in tattoos”. Since the posting of this month’s aims the winner has been announced and was Kelly from Daventry. Now whilst she is neither ugly, 50 or covered in tattoos, it has to be said that she is nowhere near as hot as India from Reading. As such it may as well have been won by an ugly 50 year old covered in tattoos as the person who most deserved to win, in fact didn’t. As such we will give Nostradamus the benefit of the doubt on that prediction and indeed award him a point for it.

Of course as he still hasn’t got two out of three right he still doesn’t win the Barbecue. Still can’t win them all! Oh and if India needs any comforting following her defeat I’m more than willing to help!