Aim One

Aim one is to adopt the apple way of thinking by developing a new product that isn’t just 4 other products glued together, take the prototype out to a pub, leave it in the pub and then get the bloke who very kindly returned it to me arrested

Aim Two

Aim two is to retrain every single pilot flying in and out of Great Britain and teach them how to fly their planes away from or around obstacles rather than sitting on their bums for week because they can’t be bothered

Aim Three

Aim three is to allow voting for the UK general election by Twitter, thereby granting the Liberal Democrats a landslide victory

Aim Four

Aim four is to force Gordon Brown to enter the big brother house where we can see him insult the electorate without realising he has a mic 24 hours a day

Aim Five

Aim five is to plaster a giant picture of Graham Norton all over BBC Television Centre and see how they like it (though thankfully any BBC employees with BBCHD will be immune)

Summer is here (least for another week or so) so lets see how Nostradamus did with last months predictions

Prediction One was “Apple will release a brand new iPhone that isn’t just 4 iPhones glued together”…….. and its a no, though as they will probably just leave it in a bar that’s probably a blessing

Prediction Two was “Gordon Brown will place a booking for a removal van on a date early in May” and indeed he has (or probably has), after insulting the electorate on a microphone even Gordon can’t be deluded enough to believe he wont be needing to move house in the next few days

Prediction Three was “The Lord will bring on the full fury of his wrath burning the earth to a cinder and then it will rain fish”…. Earth not a cinder….. no fish…. WRONG!

Here are next months predictions

Prediction One

Nick Clegg will be the next UK prime minister

Prediction Two

Iceland supermarkets will be forced into liquidation following the disruption caused by the ash cloud originating from them

Prediction Three

The British Aviation Authority will admit that flying around or away from things is preferable to sitting on their bums for a week

Just two out of three needed and Nosty will finally win the barbecue

Aim one is to adopt the Apple way of thinking by making a totally new product that is better than a car by gluing four cars together to come up with a revolutionary new method of transport that is four times bigger, more expensive and uses much more petrol

Aim Two

Aim two is to save Gordon Brown the hassle of needing to pack all his stuff ready to move out of 10 Downing Street by getting the voting public to lend him a hand, something they will only be too willing to do

Aim Three

Aim three is to solve the issue of the PS3 phat losing linux capabilities by adopting the apple way of thinking and coming up with a new and revolutionary product that you can play games on and run linux on. Gluing 4 PC’s together should do the trick

Aim Four

Aim four is to solve the problem of internet perverts preying on young innocent(!) impressionable youth by banning all people under the age of 18 from using the internet

Aim Five

Aim five is to come up with a brand new aim that is so much better than the previous four by adopting the Apple way of thinking and gluing the previous aims together

It’s freezing again, but why should that stop resident mystic Nostradamus from giving himself food poisoning on his very own barbecue. Just two out of three predictions correct from last month will do just that

Prediction One was “Alexander Thorp will receive an invisible card and present from a certain member of his family for his birthday for the third year running”….. cracking start as the generosity and love from a certain blood relative on my side of the family for their own Grandchildren continues to know no limits. Possibly would be funny if they weren’t just proving my point and proving me right

Prediction Two was “Ashley Cole will be executed for his crime of cheating on the “nation’s sweetheart””….. nope, though one can assume it’s only a matter of time. Either that or the daft cow will take him back again, blissfully unaware that pretty much every warm blooded male on the planet would be only to happy to take his place

Prediction Three was “Rian from ITV’s “Take Me Out” will be given her own diet series…… afraid not though the sponsorship deal with Mars Bars is due to be signed any day now

So no food poisoning this month. Here are next month’s predictions

Prediction One

Apple will release a brand new iPhone that isn’t just 4 iPhones glued together

Prediction Two

Gordon Brown will place a booking for a removal van on a date early in May

Prediction Three

The Lord will bring on the full fury of his wrath burning the earth to a cinder and then it will rain fish

So here are our aims for February/March

Aim One

Aim one is to utilise Gordon Brown’s new interest in fisticuffs by settling the UK general election battle between him and David Cameron in the only way possible………. FIIIIIGGGGGHHHHHT!!!

Aim Two

Aim two is to transfer strangely popular (even though its crap but so crap it’s good) gameshow Take Me Out to channel 5 changing the format of the show so each week it features an annoying celebrity who is then “taken out” by members of the public using a vast array of semi-automatic weaponry

Aim Three

Aim three is to take photo’s of all the snow Britain has had this year, post them to anyone going on about how burning fuels creates greenhouse gases and global warming with a caption saying “look how wrong you are”.

Aim Four

Aim four is to punish Ashley Cole for once again making the frankly ludicrous decision to cheat on his wife when his wife is as hot as Cheryl Cole, oddly enough since she is Cheryl Cole, by inviting him to take part in the C5 version of “Take Me Out”, whilst leading him to believe it’s actually the ITV version

Aim Five

Aim five is to solve the big freeze by recycling. Simply take any of the photographs from aim 3 that are left over and then set fire to them providing warmth, and much needed greenhouse gases if the global warming activists are to be believed

He’s been hibernating for the winter but he’s back with his stunningly accurate predictions all in the name of netting him the very special prize should he manage to get two out of three right…. his very own barbecue. So here are his predictions for February/March

Prediction One

Alexander Thorp will receive an invisible card and present from a certain member of his family for his birthday for the third year running

Prediction Two

Ashley Cole will be executed for his crime of cheating on the “nation’s sweetheart”

Prediction Three

Rian from ITV’s “Take Me Out” will be given her own diet series

Aim One

Aim one is to take the opportunity to remind people that it is not Christmas. It’s effing August. There is still a full four and a half months until the ghastly fabrication of Christians and the greeting card industry

Aim Two

Aim two is solve the issue of microsoft being unable to bundle internet explorer in the european release of windows 7 by forcing them to bundle firefox, a vastly superior browser

Aim Three

Aim three is to insist that the organisers of Rock in the Park get another hot female singer to perform now Pixie Lott has pulled out. Ideally a naked hot female singer!

Aim Four

Aim four is to insist that the Deal or No Deal producers show episodes with hot women in rather than old biddies for their classic show specials this month

Aim Five

Aim five is to cheer on England who may well win back the Ashes this series looking at the current form. Or at least force a draw if it dont stop bloody raining

Time to check on last months predictions and see if Nosty has got just two out of three right to win the coveted barbecue

Prediction one was “The temperature in the UK will drop below freezing point at some point this month”……. whilst its not been as blisteringly hot as it was in June it’s certainly not been freezing

Prediction two was “Andy Murray will win the men’s singles at Wimbledon”…. and I’m afraid Andy seems to be suffering from Tim Henman syndrome, a rare condition that prevents people from getting past the semi finals in wimbledon.

Prediction three was “The live feed will be restored to big brother just in time for Sophie and Karly lezzing up (I can dream)”….. it was a long shot and now Karly has been evicted and is appearing in mens magazines available in a shop near you it seems even more unlikely

So a duck for Nostradamus means no barbecue this month but lets take a look at next months predictions. Two out of three wins a nice shiny barbecue

Prediction One

England will win the ashes

Prediction Two

Scientists will discover that bacon sandwiches do indeed cure swine flu leaving vegetarians to die from what is essentially just a sniffle

Prediction Three

There will be no pain or suffering in the world

Aim One

Aim one is to take a leaf out of Gordon Brown’s book and every time someone tells me “your failing” or “the government is crumbling around you” just stick my fingers in my ears and go “la la la la la I am not listening”

Aim Two

Aim to is to solve the immense heat we are having at the moment by emigrating to the north pole

Aim Three

Aim three is to improve ITV game show “The Chase” by having a pack of savage dogs, and then releasing them every time the smug git of a chaser gets a question wrong and the relish in the fact that he stands no chance of escaping from the hounds!

Aim Four

Aim four is to take all the people making jokes at Michael Jackson’s expense, melt them down and turn them into children’s toys and see how they like it!

Aim Five

Aim five is to make it compulsory that only one celebrity is allowed to die on any one specific day lest they risk being overshadowed by a much bigger celebrity dying!

Given the immense heat I’m sure Nostradamus would love his very own barbecue to cook a variety of undercooked snacks on. Although he may prefer a salad. Let’s see which option it is as we review last month’s predictions

Prediction one was “In a landslide victory, Labour will win every seat up for grabs in the elections”….. errr no Nosty it was quite the opposite… though not bad enough for Gordon Brown to resign… in Gordon Brown’s opinion… the rest of the country aren’t living in denial land!

Prediction two was “A bunch of normal people will be locked in a house together on TV and they will all get on and acomplish any task set of them without failure or argument”… the key word in that prediction (and the reason Nosty got it wrong) was NORMAL. Big Brother housemates are never normal!

Prediction three was “David Thorp will be the only member of the Thorp family to receive a fathers day card from a blood relative”…. and indeed he was. For some inexplicable reason other members didn’t deserve one. Couldn’t be anything to do with the fact they haven’t bothered about their Grandchildren for a year could it?

Here are next months predictions. Two out of three correct will win Nosty a nice shiny barbecue

Prediction One

The temperature in the UK will drop below freezing point at some point this month

Prediction Two

Andy Murray will win the men’s singles at Wimbledon

Prediction Three

The live feed will be restored to big brother just in time for Sophie and Karly lezzing up (I can dream)

Aim One

Aim one is to see if any shops do Father’s dad card for crappy absent fathers who care about no one but themselves after all that’s why they haven’t bothered about either of their grandchildren for the best part of a year (well one of them more or less since birth). Actually sod it why waste my time and money!

Aim Two

Aim two is to accept bribes from any of the political parties to vote for them in the forthcoming elections. After all they’ll be able to add it to their expenses wont they?

Aim Three

Aim three is to solve the extreme heatwave we are having at the moment by moving into the freezer

Aim Four

Aim four is to round up a bunch of freaks and lock them into the confines of a very small house…. wait it seems like channel 4 will be taking care of that one for us

Aim Five

Aim five is to commemorate the axing of Gladiators by sky one by making it clear that Inferno, Enigma, Tempest and Siren are welcome round here any time if they are short on things to do now

Well we had a barbecue on Saturday. Might as well get some use out of it as Nostradamus seems intent on not winning it. Lets see how he did this month

Prediction one was “Star wars and the lord of rings will both be released on Blu Ray”………. Nah they’ve not done that… perhaps they are worried they wont sell

Prediction two was “Alistair Darling will dress up as Robin Hood and Gordon Brown will dress up as Maid Marion for a fancy dress party”….. nope though if they had have done they could have put the costume hire on their expenses

Prediction three was “Page 3 idol will be won by an ugly 50 year old covered in tattoos”…….. I’m pleased to say the judges eliminated anyone who shouldn’t have bothered to enter from the competition pretty early on and whilst the winner is yet to be announced, if there is any justice in the world it will be won by the gorgeous India from Reading who is the sexiest thing since Keeley Hazell to come out of that competition

So a duck for Nosty means he wont be enjoying a barbecue in this sweltering heat. But maybe next month…..

Prediction One

In a landslide victory, Labour will win every seat up for grabs in the elections

Prediction Two

A bunch of normal people will be locked in a house together on TV and they will all get on and acomplish any task set of them without failure or argument

Prediction Three

David Thorp will be the only member of the Thorp family to receive a fathers day card from a blood relative

Stewards Enquiry

A stewards enquiry has had to be called with regards Nostradamus’ predictions for last month, in particular prediction three which read “Page 3 idol will be won by an ugly 50 year old covered in tattoos”. Since the posting of this month’s aims the winner has been announced and was Kelly from Daventry. Now whilst she is neither ugly, 50 or covered in tattoos, it has to be said that she is nowhere near as hot as India from Reading. As such it may as well have been won by an ugly 50 year old covered in tattoos as the person who most deserved to win, in fact didn’t. As such we will give Nostradamus the benefit of the doubt on that prediction and indeed award him a point for it.

Of course as he still hasn’t got two out of three right he still doesn’t win the Barbecue. Still can’t win them all! Oh and if India needs any comforting following her defeat I’m more than willing to help!

Aim One

Aim one is to buy a DVD off knock off Nigel of TVs “Are You Being Served” featuring the rare episode where Mr Humphries travels to Australia and hooks up with a Shelia

Aim Two

Is to celebrate Alistair Darling’s policy of taxing the rich to assist the poor by moving 11 Downing Street to Sherwood Forest and finding him some merry merry men

Aim Three

Aim three is to create a set of eligibility criteria for the Sun’s Page 3 Idol competition so people over the age of 40, generally ugly or covered in tattoos don’t waste their time

Aim Four

Aim four is to hope and pray that on official star wars day 2009 George Lucas decides to release both Star Wars trilogies onto Blu Ray

Aim Five

Aim five is to badger Peter Jackson into doing the same with the Lord of the Rings trilogy by locking him in a large room with a bunch of Orcs until he sees sense

Surely by now Nostradamus must have gotten 2 out of 3 of his predictions right to win his very own barbecue. Let’s find out

Prediction one was “Joining the rest of the nation in confusing Jade Goody with their mother, Princes William and Harry will be seen crying at Jade Goody’s funeral”…… and no the princes demonstrated more common sense than the rest of the nation combined by realising that their mother and Jade Goody are very different people

Prediction two was “Stuart and Alexander Thorp will receive an invisible Easter Egg off one of their so called relatives this month”….. and yes the overwhelming generosity towards their own flesh and blood demonstrated by one relative of Stuart and Alex who shall remain nameless continues.

Prediction three was “The moon will fall out of orbit and crash into the Earth destroying all except one small ant”……. well for a start we’ve seen more than one ant today so he’s wrong on that count before we even analyse the rest of the prediction

This months predictions are

Prediction One

Star wars and the lord of rings will both be released on Blu Ray

Prediction Two

Alistair Darling will dress up as Robin Hood and Gordon Brown will dress up as Maid Marion for a fancy dress party

Prediction Three

Page 3 idol will be won by an ugly 50 year old covered in tattoos

Aim One

Aim one is to use the miracles of modern genetic engineering to cross a 3 humped camel with a pink female orientated car insurance firm…. just to see what happens!

Aim Two

Aim two is to celebrate the axing of the Jeremy Kyle show by telling him to get off his arse and get a job!

Aim Three

Aim three is to finally find a use for the meerkat from the compare the meerkat adverts by having him highlight to the great british public the very very very very very many differences between Princess Diana and Jade Goody with the only similarity being they are both dead

Aim Four

Aim four is to be very very afraid at the amount of credit JD Williams have given me now

Aim Five

Aim five is to try and go just one month without having anything break down

Has resident mystic Nostradamus finally won a device that will enable him to undercook a variety of meat products generally known as a barbecue. Only time, and the next section of this post will tell!

Prediction one was Jade Goody will die this month…. and indeed yes she did, and she certainly made sure we all knew about it!

Prediction two was The daily mail will be offended by a one legged, two headed, five breasted childrens TV presenter. No one else will be though…. amazingly no the daily mail hasn’t been offended by much this month. And if anyone actually finds a creature like in Nosty’s prediction, send them this way!

The city of Cardiff will sink into the sea….. nope the people of Cardiff have not taken up swimming!

Here are next months predictions

Prediction One

Joining the rest of the nation in confusing Jade Goody with their mother, Princes William and Harry will be seen crying at Jade Goody’s funeral

Prediction Two

Stuart and Alexander Thorp will receive an invisible Easter Egg off one of their so called relatives this month

Prediction Three

The moon will fall out of orbit and crash into the Earth destroying all except one small ant

Aim One

Aim one is to take a moment out to just reflect on the fact that a great TV personality who has made a great contribution to the entertainment of the UK is likely to die of cancer this month….. what’s that….. Wendy Richard died last month…. BUGGER!

Aim Two

Aim two is to solve all of this countries current problems by bringing back Nazi style gas chambers, installing them in the studio for the Jeremy Kyle Show and then feeling safe in the knowledge that not only have we eliminated a useless part of the UK population but we have also eliminated Kyle himself.

Aim Three

Aim Three  is to chop the arms off anyone still complaining about CBeebies presenter Cerrie Burnell and see how they like it

Aim Four

Aim four is to launch a new incredibly popular website called Meerkat in a blender and put the Meerkat from the compare the meerkat adverts into a blender live for the sites launch

Aim Five

Aim five is to avoid watching Comic Relief as the sight last week of Jo Brand dressed as Britney Spears from the Baby One More Time Video is enough to mentally scar anyone for life

Well it’s that time where we see just how many predictions Nosty got right and if he’ll be able to enjoy roasting his easter eggs on his very own barbecue. Just two out of three right is all he needs from last months predictions

Prediction one was David Thorp will receive an invisible bottle of Jack Daniels and Alexander Thorp will receive an invisible aeroplane from a member of their family for their birthdays….. and yep they did. What thoughtful gifts!

Prediction two was This site will generate no search hits for female Deal or No Deal contestants during the month of February…. and within a matter of hours nosty had got that wrong

Prediction three was The river of blood will boil and then the vampires will feed on the earth…. errrr WRONG!

So will he win next month? Do we even care? Well here are next months predictions anyway

Prediction One

Jade Goody will die this month

Prediction Two

The daily mail will be offended by a one legged, two headed, five breasted childrens TV presenter. No one else will be though

Prediction Three

The city of Cardiff will sink into the sea

Aim One

Aim one is to release full details of Steven Thorp’s previous affair with his friend’s wife on a public website should he not start being a better father or grandfather… and by better father or grandfather we mean to his real family… as in the ones related by blood… unfortunately

Aim Two

Aim two is to celebrate the election of America’s first black president by electing a black leader of the conservative party and then having the UK’s first black Prime Minister next year

Aim Three

Aim three is to work out what kind of drugs Cadbury’s must be putting in their chocolate for someone in their advertising department to come up with the idea of kids with twitching eyebrows

Aim Four

Aim four is to expose the complete and utter lie that is comparethemeerkat.com as not one single person is mixing that site up with comparethemarket.com

Aim Five

Aim five is to celebrate the return of Krypton Factor to TV by arrange for a large aircraft to crash on Ben Shepard’s head and the Krypton Factor Cube before asking where the hell is the response round?

Nosty might be losing his status as a totally accurate mystic. Let’s see if he has redeemed himself by getting two out of three of last months predictions correct

A major high street chain will go bust, into administration or otherwise close down… great start as both Land of Leather and Empire Direct go bust. Well not a great start for them of course but for Nostradamus

No one will consume Haggis, neeps or tatties on January 25th… wrong as lots of people did, particularly in Scotland!

I, Nostradamus, will once again fail to win the barbecue… why’s this one brown I hear you ask. Well when you mix red and green you get brown and as Nosty only got one right yes he did fail to win the barbecue…. which means he got two right and won the barbecue…. which means he only got one right and didn’t win it… which means we could be here all night until the barbecue has been destroyed by the time paradox Nostradamus has created

So no barbecue this month however here are next month’s predictions

Prediction One

David Thorp will receive an invisible bottle of Jack Daniels and Alexander Thorp will receive an invisible aeroplane from a member of their family for their birthdays

Prediction Two

This site will generate no search hits for female Deal or No Deal contestants during the month of February

Prediction Three

The river of blood will boil and then the vampires will feed on the earth