We tried and failed last year but this year we came back bigger and better and with one goal in mind. To show to Simon Cowell and the people behind the X-Factor that the Christmas Number One spot is not a god given right for whichever poor sap is chosen as winner of the annual karaoke contest known as the X-Factor.
So now the point has been made what now? You would expect that Simon would see sense and decide that he cant compete with the public and make the winners song release outside of the Christmas chart race. Because I can guarantee we will be even bigger next year, especially now people know it can be done. The facebook group had close to 1 million members, only half of which actually bought the single the other half probably either only joining the group because all their facebook friends invited them or didn’t buy because they didn’t think we had a chance.
In all seriousness and without involving any mind control from Derren Brown, the X-Factor is missing a trick that would allow them to maintain dominance of the charts while leaving Christmas well alone. When they get down to say the final 6 contestants, record and release a song from each finalist and then scrap the phone vote and let downloads decide who gets eliminated each week.
Simon Cowell makes more money as he gets six songs in the charts all selling in their thousands for a space of 4 weeks. There’s no need to release a winners song as the revenue from these downloads over the course of 4 weeks or so should keep Simon in impossibly high trousers for another year and more importantly, the Christmas Chart can get back to what its meant to be about (and what Simon claimed to be saving us from), Christmas Songs, Novelty Records and Sir Cliff!
In the middle of a recession, even TV companies are feeling the pinch with ITV cutting back by introducing a vast array of gameshows where the contestants win naff all and only broadcasting in high definition for 2 minutes per week via a medium that only one person has.
But there are much simpler ways they can save money. The X-Factor is known to cost them a small fortune which they make back from selling advertising revenue to any stores selling very high pairs of trousers. However, a quick look at the main goals of the show suggest a much cheaper way to achieve the same results. And here it is.
July 2010 – Hire psychological illusionist Derren Brown to film a two hour segment during which he programmes the nation to buy a song of his choosing during the week before Christmas when triggered by a word of Derren’s choosing (sheep would probably be appropriate) and to call a premium rate phone number 10 times during each showing of the segment. For arguements sake make this song a cover of the classic Christmas hit “Mr Blobby” however any other song would do
September 2010 – Start showing the pre-recorded segment every week on a Saturday Night on ITV1 and on ITV2 at any time they would normally show the X-Factor or a related spin off show
December 2010 – Go out into the streets, pick any 16-20 year old at random, drag them into a recording studio and make them record their own cover version of the classic song chosen earlier. Edit the recording so it makes it sound like the person selected can actually sing
Week before Xmas 2010 – Cut the telephone wires of any individual who is a member of a facebook group organising resistance to the X-Factor single to stop them going online and buying the protest song. Send all members of that group a package containing swine flu to prevent them going to HMV to buy it either. Release their single, get Derren Brown to issue whatever the trigger word is and behold as exactly the same result is achieved as has been in 2005-2008 (and possibly 2009), at a fraction of the cost meaning Simon can afford another 100 pairs of impossibly high trousers
In the words of another annoying individual who should be shot for crimes against humanity…… SIMPLES!
Anyone wanting to but the lovely protest single by Rage Against the Machine can do so on one of the following links
And in the interest of fair play anyone who wants the X-Factor winners single can obtain it HERE
Skybet are already offering bets on the winner of x-factor 2009 becoming Christmas Number One next year at odds of 1-4.
I am officially pleading with the nation, please don’t make this happen. 4 years running is bad enough but 5 would be too much.
During 2009 I will be selecting a song at random and starting an online campaign to get said song to number one. Please people when the time comes buy that song and not the pap Simon Cowell has banged out.
You know it makes sense!